Breaking unconscious patterns and triggers
When the shadows become visible
There is a point in life where something changes.
What was previously vague, explained away, or just “a feeling” suddenly becomes clear. Reactions feel stronger. Patterns repeat. Something inside you says:
“This is not just about now.”
And this is where the work can begin—not by changing yourself, but by beginning to see.
When something inside you is activated
You may notice it as:
- a strong reaction in a relationship
- a feeling that feels bigger than the situation
- irritation, sadness, or anxiety that comes on quickly
- the same type of situation recurring
It can feel confusing. Sometimes overwhelming. But that does not mean anything is wrong. It means that something inside you has become visible, and often it is a part that once needed to adapt, protect you, or shut down—and that is now reacting when something reminds it of that.
Why do these patterns arise?
Many of our reactions are formed early in life.
When something feels like too much—a feeling, a situation, or a relationship—we find ways to cope with it—we adapt, shut down, become strong, silent, or overly responsible. What once helped us can later become a pattern that limits us. This means that it was once necessary.
An important shift
What makes the biggest difference is not “getting better” at handling others.
Instead of asking “Why are they doing this? ” you begin to cautiously turn your gaze toward “What is being awakened in me right now? ” and that is where the key lies.
In the moment—when it happens
When a trigger strikes, it happens quickly. The body reacts before the mind can catch up. The only thing you really need to do is simple—but not always easy:
Stop.
For example, you can:
– take a slightly deeper breath than usual
– say quietly to yourself: “This is a reaction”
– let the feeling exist without immediately acting on it
You do not need to understand everything right away.
You do not need to solve anything in the moment.
Not reacting immediately is already a big step.
The body plays a bigger role than we think
We often try to understand ourselves with our minds, but many reactions are rooted directly in the body.
It can manifest as:
- tension in the chest
- pressure in the stomach
- restlessness, nervousness, or wanting to flee
- “shutting down” or becoming numb, etc.
Beginning to notice the body is an important part of integrating the shadow. It is usually about beginning to listen instead of overanalyzing.
Afterward—where the change happens
It is often afterward that you can begin to understand more—by being curious.
You can ask yourself:
- Have I felt this way earlier in life?
- What does this feeling remind me of?
- What did I need in that situation?
It is less about finding the “right answers.” It is much more important to begin seeing connections.
Different types of shadows
1. The wounded shadow
- fear, shame, sadness, abandonment
2. The repressed power
- anger, clarity, boundaries, will
3. The forgotten potential
- creativity, joy, expression, self-confidence
Sometimes our reactions are a sign that something inside us finally wants to take up space.
The shadow is not your enemy
It is easy to think that you should “get rid of” your reactions, but shadow work is mostly not about removing something—it is rather about stopping the suppression—and turning it into something positive.
Many of the parts we react strongly to carry something important:
- a boundary that was never allowed to be set
- a feeling that was never allowed to have space
- a strength that once became too much for those around it
When you begin to listen instead of shutting down, something happens—it becomes softer.
Turning it into something positive
When we want to turn our shadows into something positive, it can be extremely helpful to try to see what lies under the reaction.
Examples:
irritation → can show where you need to set a boundary
envy → can show what you long for
fear → can show what is important to you
sadness → can show what you truly care about
anger → can show that something feels unfair or violated
shame → can show where you do not allow yourself to be fully you
impatience → can show where you are pushing yourself too hard
need for control → can show a fear of losing security
need for validation → can show a longing to be seen
jealousy → can show a fear of losing something valuable
avoidance → can show that something feels too vulnerable to face
overadaptation → can show a fear of not being accepted
drive for achievement → can show that you link your worth to doing
self-criticism → can show old inner voices you have carried for a long time
the feeling of emptiness → can show a need for connection, rest, or meaning
being easily hurt → can show a part that longs for security
shutting down → can show that something has become too much to take in
wanting to withdraw → can show a need for recovery
being irritated by others’ self-confidence → can show your own strength being held back
being bothered by others’ lack of boundaries → can show your own longing for freedom
reacting to coldness in others → can show your own fear of distance
When we give ourselves time to explore the signal behind a feeling, something in the relationship with it can begin to change.
Relationships that mirror
It is often in our encounters with others that our own shadows are most clearly visible.
What we react strongly to, among other things, can sometimes show:
- something we ourselves long for
- something we do not allow ourselves
- something we were once hurt by
This does not mean that everything “is just inside us” or defines who we are. When we allow ourselves to look closer at our shadows, it opens up a deeper understanding of ourselves.
How we can work with the shadows ourselves
You do not need to do everything at once. Small steps are often enough.
Write
Not perfectly. Not correctly. Just honestly.
Sit with the feeling for a while
Without immediately distracting yourself.
Say it out loud (to yourself)
What you feel becomes clearer when you hear the words.
Give yourself what you lacked
Security, understanding, permission, patience, and lots of love.
Getting support—when it is needed
Sometimes we need more than our own reflection, and that is completely okay.
You can get support through:
- talk therapy
- somatic work (body-based)
- coaching
- safe conversations with someone you trust
Seeking help is never a failure. On the contrary—it can be an important part of the process.
The spiritual perspective
For some, it also feels like something more. As if parts of us that have been disconnected
are beginning to come back. As if something inside us wants to become whole.
You can see it as:
- healing
- integration
- or as getting to know yourself deeply
You do not need to put a label on it. It is enough that you notice what is happening yourself.
Spiritual offerings of support and guidance
There are many spiritual offerings of support and guidance today—and just as in other areas, it is important to be both careful and aware when seeking help.
Some areas where you can get support when it comes to shadow work include:
- meditation and quiet inner practices
- energy work and various forms of healing
- hypnotherapy and work with the subconscious
- work with the inner child
- shamanic traditions and ceremonies
- sound healing and work with vibration and sound
- breathing exercises and presence in the body
👉 My personal view is that it is rarely recommended to do too much at once or to mix many different methods, as this can easily lead to overloading the nervous system.
👉 The most important thing, moreover, is not the form itself, but that it feels safe, respectful, and grounded in you.
When it becomes too much
Sometimes it can feel as if everything comes at once. Then it is important to slow down.
– take breaks
– do something that grounds you
– focus on the simple things (daily life, body, routines)
Unwinding/Decompression should not feel like you are breaking.
→ Feel free to read the article "From Chaos to Clarity", which builds on "When Inner Expansion Becomes Overload", but is equally relevant in shadow work.
How it can change over time
In the beginning, it can feel intense. You may notice more than you want to. Feel more than you are used to.
But something gradually changes:
– you discover the reaction earlier
– you have time to stop more often
– you feel without getting stuck for as long
Eventually, something beautiful and clear happens. You no longer react as automatically, but begin to notice that a space arises where you previously went straight into reaction, and in that space, there is suddenly a choice.
Integration into everyday life
Rather than big breakthroughs, the process is about small changes:
– you say something you previously silenced
– you stay instead of fleeing
– you react a little less, a little later
What emerges
♥ calm in situations that previously triggered you
♥ greater understanding, both of yourself and others
♥ a feeling of standing steadier in yourself
And often also:
♥ a connection with parts of yourself that you previously did not have access to.
A new way of meeting yourself
What you meet inside yourself, you no longer need to flee from in others over time, and that change goes deeper than one first realizes. The work takes time and moves back and forth, where some moments feel clear and others more unclear. Every time you choose to stop instead of fleeing, and every time you meet yourself with a little more curiosity than judgment, a quiet but real shift occurs.
Common questions
What is a trigger?
A trigger is not just a strong reaction. It is a moment where the present is connected with something from the past. The body remembers—even when we do not consciously do so. That is why something small can feel big. Or something neutral can feel threatening.
How do you break unconscious patterns?
By becoming aware of your reactions, stopping in the moment, and gradually understanding what lies behind them.
© by HerMine’s